That is the one thing that explains DGT to a tee. Tonight when I was trying to have a civilized conversation with him he accused me of attacking him because I asked him why he claimes that everyone on the internet hates anne hathaway. I wanted him to show me by quoting what people were saying. I was asking him why and what people were saying but sadly he got all deffencive and that ended the whole conversation.
R was listening and just shaking his head when D was talking I am sure he can see through his BS. I am also sure he doesn”t think as highly of D as he used to.

I am just so frustrated with him I can’t get him to get out and look for work. I can’t get him to clean up after himself and the only thing that I look at to encourage me about him is…..he is loved by so many people and he is a great kid in others homes that is what I love about him.

I am tired of not having a lot of friends around I wish I could import all my friends I miss you all so much. I wish that R could come and visit. I wish that B could bring her kids and visit. I miss EE and her sillieness. I want GPs back and I wish that Terry could be near as well. Sadly the real thing I want is a car and then I would be able to go and see everyone when I want.


I am off to bed.

I am reminded daily how odd I can be. One of my joys in life is messing with people that are drunk. Not bad in a fun way.

I remember back to when my Uncle Robbin was alive and nearing his end of life. At this point I had intercepted quite a few phonecalls from him to my father when he was drunk and messed with him, teased him/lightheartedly made fun of. He was always laughing and eventually would call back when he wasn’t messed up.

One of the last times he called I said I would go and get my father to which he replied that he honestly wanted to talk to me. And then he poured out to me how he appreciated me not lecturing him when he called drunk and he always felt that I was just playing and being fun….talking him down all the while. He said there were a few times he wondered why I didn’t lecture but was glad I didn’t and because he wanted to be a better Uncle to me. Then he finaly asked me why. Why I was so kind and nice. Why I didn’t push him or treat him like he was stupid like the rest of the family because of all he did.

This is what I said, ” You are human and so am I. Why would I treat you bad because you don’t live your life the same way I do when you don[t believe the way I do. I believe we are all going to fail and can[t control what we do when t comes to addictions. It is what we chose once we realize we have addictions. I knew my uncle struggled with his addictions but he had no one near that helped. He only had those that lectured which made him feel like crap about himself and then when he felt like crap he wanted to use to not feel like a failue which brought the whole thing full circle.” I understandingly told him, “I know how you feel because I feel that way every day in my family because I feel so imperfect.;”

It was here that he said when he talked to me he always went a few weeks to months before he used again because I made him feel worthwhile insted.

I had one more conversation with him and then he passed away. Ihope in heaven he is there and he is looking down because I actually might have made a bigger difference than I realize.

That is the way all storys go, some good and some bad but they all start. This is where Mine starts as well. Once upon a time I was born. Not only was I born but it was into a family with 2 sons. I was unexpected and honestly I think my mother didn’t know what to do with a daughter. She wasn’t one for fixing her hair or wearing any makeup. She grew up as a missionary kid, with hand me downs. For me this was a horrid thing because I never really had clothes that were for girls except for school clother or church clothes. These were all they were for. When I was at home all I could wear were my brothers old out grown clothes. But they weren’t just one bothers out grown clothes they went through both boys so they looked really old. The good thing is my mother knows how to really get clothing spotlessly clean.

Life is just that a bunch of starts. Life is all about once upon a times. Once upon a time I was carefree and with loads of children around me. Once upon a time I was a great mother and filled with happieness. Once upon a time I became really sad. Once upon a time I thought I was a great catch for any guy out there that was willing to fall for me and well now…..my new once upon a time is I just want my life to be filled with friends and a comfortable house.

Once upon a time I drew out blue prints for the house I saw myself having kids in and watching them grow up and then having grand kids around.

Once upon a times always happen after the thing has been done. Now I need to learn how to make happen my dreams so they can become my once upon a times.

What is your once upon a time?

I am sitting here wondering how to improve my life. I wonder how to get a job without transportation. I am wondering why e is such an asshole. I am wondering how to get to norway. I am wondering how to get to a house I love. I am wishing I could get a car. I need a car. I want a car and I don’t know what I can do to get one. Sadly I don’t know what I can do to imporve my life.

Dear XXXXXXXXXXXXX,

In my dreams we are sitting next to each other enjoying a nice hot drink and it is night. We are there with a nice large bonefire. Every now and again we talk but for the most part we are just being there together.

This is what Ihave always wanted with friends just someone to be and be myself with. I am not looking for a husband I am wanting a good friend.

This is what I see in you. This is where we could go and be. This is just a dream but that is what I long for in a freind….someone to just be with. But then I think we all in life just want that.

I hope that one day we can have this and not too late in life.

If I were asking for someone to be mated with in life it would go something farther. I would not only have to be able to just be with them I would need to have someone that I could not only talk with but be able to argue when needed and disagree and come to comprimises with. But that is separate from you. You are a freind, close to being a best friend.

Sincerely,

ME

I am tired. I am ready to just put the kids into school and I really don’t want to. I am tired of them thinking they don’t have to listen to me. I am tired tired tired. I need the help and no one is here to give me help. I have no one that helps except Darrell and they don’t listen to him because E told them he wasn’t their father and he isn’t to tell them what to do.

It was such a hard day for me. I woke up after having very little sleep, picked up Thomas and got a few groceries. When I got home I loaded the car with all the laundry, and took Walker with me to go and do what was needed. We got there and found that the laundrette was full and then some. So we came home. Brody and Thomas cleaned up the room a bit and vacuumed. When that was all done Brody asked if he could play 3ds. I said no. He got pissed off and went to his room. I thought OK. He needs to cool down and then I will go in there.

A while later Walker came out and I heard. Brody’s in his room, not in Darrell’s and I can’t find him. Thinking he was just being silly I left it at that and waited a few more minutes. Only to find that my little precious Brody was not there. So I walked around the houses to look for him and couldn’t find him. My heart sank. He has been threatening to run away for some time because of E.

I looked a bit more carefully and still couldn’t find him. My heart sank. I knew he was gone. So in came all the boys, we all searched franticaly. Eric came and helped it took us about 30 minutes and we found he was hiding purposefully from us. So…..fast forward a while later we found him a few blocks away from our house. We found him where the gang people live and 2 pedifiles as well. I was freaked out and so was Walker. E didn’t care. It is escalatin with him these days. He gets worse and worse. I need to find a place for him to get counceling.

It is hard for me to write this…

A while ago I slowed my phone calls with and talking to R. IT wasn’t because I didn’t thouroughly enjoy the time with him it was because of me. After the conversations were over and a few days had gone by I wanted to call him again. It is so fun to listen to what he has to say. His sense of humor is amazing and he is the kind of person I could see myself hanging out with often if he lived near. I could spend hours and hours talking with him about anything and everything and it seem like only a few minutes went by. I lived for the times that I talked to him because with all my other friends they would unload their problems on me and then get off the phone. With R I found that I wanted to tell him what was going on but then I didn’t because I didn’t want to be like those that unload on me and because I never knew if WWIII would erupt in my house and I would have to get off the phone. It made me feel like I was loading crap on his ears and then getting off the phone. I just wanted to tell R that I was stepping back but I didn’t. I still read what he wrote on FB as well as his site here but I didn’t call.

Then shit got worse around this house and I found myself so filled with negative that when I would pick up the phone to call all I could think of was just to try to keep myself from unloading. So I would not fully talk and be the vibrant person I can be. I know he didn’t know this and yet the times I lived for were when I could see the pictures he posted. I love the beauty that is around him and I poured over his pictures. I did that over and over till yesterday. Yesterday he shut down his xanga site as well as his FB.

It was told to me by a friend that he may have misunderstood a post I made where I said I wasn’t going to talk about going to Norway anymore. It wasn’t that I wasn’t planning on going it was I needed to not talk about it for my kids sakes. They were constantly disappointed with the fact that we weren’t going soon enough.

The other thing…..I found out that their dad wouldn’t allow them to have a passport because the kids kept talking like we were moving there and he didn’t want them to go that far.

So I quit talking about it and wrote it down in my xanga just as a point of date of post so I could know when I stopped talking about it.

Yesterday when the site was shut down I felt the loss of a great friend. I felt sad that I hadn’t been able to get myself to tell him why I wasn’t talking as much or trying to get my skype on my phone to work harder.

But then I always feel the loss of friends so deeply as I have so few. The loss of just one shatters my world. I know I will get past this and all but for the last 5 years he has been a really big part of my life. He has been a part of my thoughts about my future. I am still going to go to Norway don’t know when but it will be sad because he was the one person I really wanted to meet and spend time with. I wanted to have him teach me some norwegian and watch his face as I amuse him with my horrid way of trying to speak the language….I wanted to learn how to speak norwegian so I could talk to him in his language insted of just in english. I wanted to stand around a bonfire with him and enjoy the amazing sites in his town that he talked about all the time or took pictures of.

I hope he comes back and it is just because he is in isolation or he has a girlfriend that wants him to not have contact with other girls but whatever it is I can’t find out till I get skype to work on my phone again.

Life is getting hard to live here and yet I have figured out I am a much happier person when I get out and walk. So far I have been averaging 3 miles a night. Last night I walked 4.3 miles. That was so nice but tiring as the surf was pulling really hard as it came in and went out. I think it would be like walking up and down hills.

Still no job. I don’t think I will be able to get a job around here, too many people needing work around here.

Still no house…same as above.

Still no car….no way of paying for it.

Been walking loads. In the 12 days I have been out walking I have walked over 31 miles. My legs hurt from last nights walk. The water was pulling harder than I have ever felt it pull. It was fun but tiring. I walked 4.3 miles completely in the surf. Knee deep surf.