the begining of Thanksgiving will start. And I was unmotivated till tonight.  I don't like cooking for someone that I don't much like. I don't like cooking when the kids are not feeling well and want to hang onto me and just laze about.

Then I had a conversation about how so many people have just skipped from Halloween right to Christmas decorating and shopping. There is also a few outspoken celebs that are saying it is a horrid thing to celebrate because of what white people did the the natives. And I got motivated.

I want to celebrate thanksgiving not for the food, the people or for celebrating tormenting the natives. I am celebrating because that is where it started. I was taught from a family tradition that the Natives helped so many people in the begining. They showed so many "white" people how to survive in a harsh land that they knew nothing about. We celebrated that we had freedoms and wanted others to have the same freedoms. I celebrated that we as people have so many many things because of all of the good.

And yes I know what the white men ended up doing to the Natives. I know how horrible it was and disgustion and shouldn't have ever happened. BUT IT DID. I am sorry for that but Thanksgiving is a day to celebrate the good. The things we are thankful for. AND I am thankful that so much good has come out of such situations.

So when the kids get up I will pop the turkey onto the BBQ. I will put what needs to go into the oven there and I will pull my kids about me and tell them the stories that I grew up with. I will tell them about the sad parts as well but I will tell them that we have all that we have because of the good and the bad and I for one am thankful for being here. On this earth. Living with my 4 beautiful boys and such friens as I have.

1. sing in the shower any more
2. laugh a good honest laugh. The kind you find hard to stop.
3. express my feelings
4. say what is bothering me
5. tell more than the superficial bs.
6. talk about the future
7. smile for no reason
8. wake up in a good mood
9. go to sleep easily
10. dream of good things. When I dream if it starts out good it always goes bad.
11. hope for the future for myself
12. sleep easily. I am so restless

What I do now.....

1. make myself breathe
2. think of my friends that I really care about
3. think of 5 good things in my life when I find myself down or sad
4. chuckle under my breath
5. silently scream
6. tell anyone who will listen to be careful with what you do with your life
7. think all the deep things I wish I could get out.
8. wish I could hope for more for myself
9. tear up and cry without warning. Small things trigger the sadness in me.
10. wake up in a sweat from my dreams
11. hope for my kids that they will learn how to do much better than me.

What I need to do......

1. RUN
2. Walk
3. fly away
4. smile
5. laugh
6. talk
7. scream
8. cry till I can't cry anymore
9. find a home
10. a place I really belong

Yes I am moody right now. But I am just exhausted. This will pass and I will one day make a good decision and be able to do all the good things I need to do and want to do. Smiling will become just as breathing. Breathing won't have to be though about. And I may find some peace in my life.

I am on the computer and it is the middle of the day.

Lately I have had so much going on and going through my head, when I sit down to write it comes out all jumbled up.

It comes out al mish mash and I can't even make sense of it. So here I will try.

• still looking for a job
• looking at cars so I can get to said job
• getting ready for christmas as I have no extra money to spend.
• spend time wishing that I could talk on the phone to a few of my friends especially R.
• talked to an aunt that wishes I had inherited my grandmother's house. The ones that got it gutted it and ruined it so no one wants to visit.
• found out that a cousin of mine was within a few miles of me for over 10 days and didn't contact me. Made me very sad that they didn't want to spend any time with me.
• really angry at E for beind such an arse to B.
• really angry at myself for not doing a better job with the kids so they wouldn't have to be with E and him being such an arse.
• sad for the kids because E was really nice till we moved into this house then he changed for the worse.
• trying not to wish someone could come and rescue me....I need to do it myself.
• tired all around with what is going on with my kids.
• wish I could rant and rave and scream and cry and get all this angst out so I can be lighthearted again for a while.
• wish I could talk to a friend that I laugh with so that I could feel lighthearted again. I miss that. But then untill I get all this worked through and out I don't know if I would be any good at conversing.

When a person gets married it is rather difficult to marry someone that is a momma's boy. It is even harder to marry if he is not only a momma's boy but his momma can't stand you. I know from experience that this will shorten your relationship. Let me tell you why.

Your husband will feel pulled in two.

You are a great person. Your SO is a great person. However your SO's mom has had a dislike for you since well you remember when. She hasn't liked you and for good reason. You have demanded things that have caused him to pull away from his family. This has pissed her off. You see, he is the only son that has walked a good path. While the other boys have gone off and done things that have caused her heartache and the one that passed away from drinking waaayyyy too much, he has stayed true to himself. He has had a goal and stuck to it. He has worked harder than anyone I know to get where he is and then you came along. You rocked his boat and he is putting his life into the unknown to be with you. He moved to where he has to start over again and in something he isn't happy doing. You know this. I know this. He left it all to try and make it work with you and this pissed off his mom.

She doesn't want him to have to start over. She also asked you to move to their area. But you refused. You didn't have much family around and you never spent time with the family you have. You also are just working at XXX and they would have given you a transfer. You didn't take any of it. That pissed even me off. But it is your life and his. He had the choice to not be with you. But he wanted to be with you because you are the first woman that treated him with respect as well as interst in more than being just friends. He thinks he will have the ability to get back on track with his career that he loves. But with today the way things are going there are so many things that will get in the way. You could get pregnant and that would make him stay where he is insted of taking a lesser job in the field he loves.

Sadly you are being a bitch about this and making things worse with his family. His family and friends are the most important things in his life besides you and we can all see that he is getting depressed because he used to have so much love and life around him and now he doesn't. He used to love to go to work and now he can't be bothered to shave to go to work. This is not a good thing but he doesn't want to break your heart. AND now....

You are pressuring him to get married and he doesn't want to. Not the way you want to. He wants his family around. He wants his mother to be there as well as his stepfather. His stepfather keeps telling him he is making a mistake and you keep blaming his mother. You are pushing too much. You need to back off and set him free. If you are to be together you my dear need to make some sacrifices as well as him. You need to move. He still has a few months before his job will no longer be held for him. He has a house to live in that you can be with him AND if you did this I know his mother would be willing to be respectful to you. She is a sweet person and will be your best friend if you do what needs to be done for the whole family.

Mariage isn't about just the 2 people getting married it is about all the families. Even your mother says you are not doing what is right.

I am even saying you are doing the wrong thing.

What I would like to know is....if you do get married why not do it with the family around (his family is willing to pay for the wedding since your mom can't afford it)? Why not let him go back to his job that makes more than double that he is making now and a job he loves? Why not take the transfer your job offered at the same pay you make now? Why not make amends with his family?

If not I will start telling him to walk away from you. I will support him in his decision to leave. I will do all I can to make sure that he sets his family right. AND YOU will loose your best friend...actually you will lose all your friends because we all think you are doing this wrong. Please don't call me again telling me that you don't like his family because they don't support his leaving so much good for so little in life.

And just for your information I HAVE talked to his mom...extensively...and she is heart broken YOU aren't willing to try and get along with her. She has done so much to support you and her son's relationship. SHE is the only one that is trying. So quite telling people what a bitch she is.

Your supposed best friend,

_____________________________

For the last 2 days we have had temps over 95. I am not happy at all. Ima trying very hard to get through this and hopefully to some much cooler weather.

I wish I knew how you are doing.

I wish I had a way of calling and letting you know you are thought of.

I sent a package a week ago I hope it got there or gets there soon. It is some things for Halloween....but that is past. I hope it gets there.

Did I mention it is really hot here.?...yes...well it is. Right now it is 0128 and the temps in the house are 89. I am unable to sleep.

Five good things in my life....(non kid related)

1. I was able to get my foot to do some excercising. I walked a bit (quite a bit) and I am starting to be able to roll my foot to the side without sever pain.
2. I took the SUV the other night and just drove and drove. I found a little place about 7 miles from here where there were no lights and on the back side of a mountain from the light. I could see stars. I was able to see the north star and the big dipper. This is a first since moving here. I miss stars. I love stars.
3. I had a long talk with someone that may be able to help me get out of our living situation. It will take some time but it gives me a goal an actual time line.
4. I slept for more than 4 hours the other night. SOUNDLY. I had vivid dreams. GOOD dreams but when waking up I was disoriented and I was glad they only ones around were W and B.
5. I think I have fixed the problems I have been having on my phone with skype and it is working again. Maybe. I hope so.

The someone I talked with happens to be a financial advisor that overheard a conversation with me and Brody. He has experience in dealing with situations like mine. He actually stopped what he was doing and approached me because of what he heard of what B was saying to me. He asked if we were safe where we lived and B told what was going on. The guy then said he felt that we were safe but advised me to contact him at work because our situation though safe isnt' the best environment. B went on to tell the guy what he wanted and hoped for us as a family. They guy was impressed.

I called him and he spent about 4 hours of his time working for me for free. He said to call him anytime I needed anything. He went on to introduce me to his wife in case I would feel safer talking to a female. They were impressed with how well B was able to express himself. The wife said it shows he is comfortable with me and well taught. That really touched my heart. But they are doing some calling and hopefully I will have much smaller bills to pay so we can be off sooner than hoped for.