January 5, 2012

  • Life....

    It is hard for me to write this...

    A while ago I slowed my phone calls with and talking to R. IT wasn't because I didn't thouroughly enjoy the time with him it was because of me. After the conversations were over and a few days had gone by I wanted to call him again. It is so fun to listen to what he has to say. His sense of humor is amazing and he is the kind of person I could see myself hanging out with often if he lived near. I could spend hours and hours talking with him about anything and everything and it seem like only a few minutes went by. I lived for the times that I talked to him because with all my other friends they would unload their problems on me and then get off the phone. With R I found that I wanted to tell him what was going on but then I didn't because I didn't want to be like those that unload on me and because I never knew if WWIII would erupt in my house and I would have to get off the phone. It made me feel like I was loading crap on his ears and then getting off the phone. I just wanted to tell R that I was stepping back but I didn't. I still read what he wrote on FB as well as his site here but I didn't call.

    Then shit got worse around this house and I found myself so filled with negative that when I would pick up the phone to call all I could think of was just to try to keep myself from unloading. So I would not fully talk and be the vibrant person I can be. I know he didn't know this and yet the times I lived for were when I could see the pictures he posted. I love the beauty that is around him and I poured over his pictures. I did that over and over till yesterday. Yesterday he shut down his xanga site as well as his FB.

    It was told to me by a friend that he may have misunderstood a post I made where I said I wasn't going to talk about going to Norway anymore. It wasn't that I wasn't planning on going it was I needed to not talk about it for my kids sakes. They were constantly disappointed with the fact that we weren't going soon enough.

    The other thing.....I found out that their dad wouldn't allow them to have a passport because the kids kept talking like we were moving there and he didn't want them to go that far.

    So I quit talking about it and wrote it down in my xanga just as a point of date of post so I could know when I stopped talking about it.

    Yesterday when the site was shut down I felt the loss of a great friend. I felt sad that I hadn't been able to get myself to tell him why I wasn't talking as much or trying to get my skype on my phone to work harder.

    But then I always feel the loss of friends so deeply as I have so few. The loss of just one shatters my world. I know I will get past this and all but for the last 5 years he has been a really big part of my life. He has been a part of my thoughts about my future. I am still going to go to Norway don't know when but it will be sad because he was the one person I really wanted to meet and spend time with. I wanted to have him teach me some norwegian and watch his face as I amuse him with my horrid way of trying to speak the language....I wanted to learn how to speak norwegian so I could talk to him in his language insted of just in english. I wanted to stand around a bonfire with him and enjoy the amazing sites in his town that he talked about all the time or took pictures of.

    I hope he comes back and it is just because he is in isolation or he has a girlfriend that wants him to not have contact with other girls but whatever it is I can't find out till I get skype to work on my phone again.