Watching his precious face as he sleeps I can see the good dreams going on in there. Opens his eyes, sees me and smiles. I am his universe.
I can remember when I was 2 others universe. I have watched their worlds expand to encompass more than just me. They are two precious boys and now I get the privaledge of watching that again.
For right now I will be happy and enjoy being his universe and not regret his growing.
Today they are the icing on my cake.......
I have been thinking again of how crazy I must be. When did I think I could pull off being a single mom, homeschooling mom, and all at the same time of having an infant around.
Did I think that it would be easy? Did I think I wouldn't have hard days? That another bundle would make my days easier and not harder?
Silly me!! Of course life is harder. it won't get easier with more kids. It won't get less by not having them in a main stream school. I have the help of the charter, yes, but now it is more taxing. They have to have a certain amount done by the end of each month, collected and turned in on a certain day. I have to change diapers, calm cries, and stop sibling squabbles.
Today life has been hard....then I looked at their precious faces and it happened........
I realized what I should have gotten all along. Silly me....I knew I wasn't thinking.....I love kids!!! I specificaly love MY kids. They are the reason that I wake up in the morning. They are the reason that I smile. They are the reason that I breath. They are the reason that I act goofy, they are the reason I have a dance to my step. They are my reason.
So, do I have a life outside of them...YES...I have a great life. My identity isn't wrapped up in them but yet they are the icing on my cake. They ad the spice to my life. What about the hard??? How can life be hard!! I have preciousness around me at all times.
They are a part of me but not ALL of me. How did this thought escape my attention? How did this not be on the top of my mind each and every day? I hope I remember it during the hard again and have it help to bouy me up in the stormy sea of life.
Time marches on....
The beating of the drum keeps going and going. Or is it some internal clock telling me that time is short. Time is precious. Time is fleeting away.
Life is short, my boys are growing too fast, and I can't seem to keep up with them.
My oldest is a tween with feet bigger than me, he stands almost as tall and is so sweet. He truely is my beloved glen. He is what helps me when I need support and encouragement.
My middle boy is just what his name means twin protector/fighter. His alarms go off very fast and he is agro enough to try and fight anything that trys to harm me.
My little boy is beautiful, precious and truely a blessing.
I don't know what I did to deserve them. How will I ever let them know how special each one is to me. I live life as if tomorrow is my last so that they will know everyday that they are the apples of my eye, the reason for the beating of my heart, and most importantly they are INDIVIDUALS. They are not their father, mother, uncles, or friends. They are made unique and full of life and love. There isn't anything that they can't acheive unless they don't want to. Life is hard, work hard and they can be Dr.'s, pilots, zoologists, missionaries, clerks, hairdressers, or what ever they want. If they do their best and work hard at it because of a love for their job then I will die a contented, proud and happy mother.
Time marches on....
Each year that goes by I don't think life could get better of fuller of love and contented peace, yet I know there is still mor out there for me. I have yet to go back to places I love. See people I care about. Have the dreams of my heart come true. Touch a friends hand. Smile at a child. Bring love into a lonely heart. Walk down an aisle for a reason. Cry with a friend. Hike a mountain. Cruise and not get sick.
Time marches on.....
I am impatient to do what I want to do in life. But I hope for my kids that they will slow down and enjoy being a kid. Slow down and have fun. Slow down and know that they are young.
Time marches on.......
Walking around the World Hair show that is in Long Beach all by myself. I had no problems.
Walking around the LA zoo I had no problems.
At a party with 30 people....I felt all alone. No one cared if I was there or not. 
I thought it would be the other way around....in large crowds feeling like I was all alone. But NO I liked being there by myself. In the zoo I thought I was seeing some of my relatives. 
J/K
At the party, there were people that I think of as friends but I still felt Isolated.
I seem to have withdrawn some since my brush with death. I wonder if I am withdrawing to protect those I care about the most.
I had a near death experience and I knew at one point that all I had to do was just close my eyes and I would be gone. The thought of that was so sweet and then that one thought went through my mind. Just one simple little thought. It was then that I decieded to fight. I wanted to live I wanted to have that one thing that went through my mind.
I am alive. I am here. I have been close. That one thing........it isn't really a reality. It will never happen. Just that one thing.......now my recovery is taking longer and longer. I feel weaker as the days go by.
I just want to smile again and feel this pressing weight off of me. I want to be able to play with my boys and know that I will be ok. I want to live till the next time and then just slip away.
I have always been and I don't seem to be changing but....I have this desire to make a difference on a personal level in at least one life. I want to on a small scale impact just one life at least. I want to when I am gone have at least one person that can or will say that just by my being alive I made a difference in a major way. I am not talking about my kids I am talking about someone that isn't related to me. I know that is weird....I dont want money or fame I just want to make a difference. I see that I could have had that possibility the other night and I don't see how keeping a door closed and not having that touch could have made any impact. It was a breif time...and I now that it still would have but that being so close......I could almost taste it it was so close and that is the closest I have ever been to mattering in that way in anyones life.
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