My boys love to plot and plan what they are going to be for Halloween. For months and months they talk about what and how it will be so cool and amazing and and and and. As the time draws near they always change what they want to go as. For example Walker has wanted to go as Dr Who (Matt Smith) for about a year. I have been looking for the items and found them. Only to find out that the kids didn't want to go what we had planned. I canceled (just in time and at Eric's prompting) the ones I had ordered and found where they had what they wanted NOW.

Only now that I am getting ready to go pick up the order they both want to be what they were looking for to begin with. And it is too late to be Dr. Who. I can't find anyone that has the costume now. Now they are unhappy because their costumes wont be as good as if I had just not canceled the order.

Normaly I make their costumes and they don't have much choice, they turn out great and the kids love them because they follow a theme.

Eric has been telling me I baby the boys. So this year I am not to make their costumes.

Last year- 2 shirts, pants, and extras cost me a total of 29 for both boys.

This year- costume they want 30x2

And they aren't really happy because I didn't order the above things to make their costumes....

Hindsight is better than foresight. But I knew in my gut that I should just order what I needed way back when.

Maybe next year I will tell him to Fuck off.

Life is much better when I take the car after midnight and go to the beach. I don't know if there is anything quite like going and walking for 2.5 miles with nothing but the waves, sand and the beauty that is all around me. That is my me time. That is when I am able to just be quiet. A few of those days I have walked with my older boys. That is nice too.

Iam fidning that I can really get behind the walking bit. I wanted to go tonight but E stayed up and drank too much. I just couldn't in good concience leave my wee little lads with him in that state.

for the last few weeks I have been struggling with living in this house. I guess it would be better if I had a car or a way to get out of the house without having to ask to borrow a car. Sadly this has been such a struggle.

Day is an easy time for me, I have the kids who always make me smile. They bring so much light into my life and so much joy. But then they all go to bed and I am left with my thoughts....it is a struggle because it takes me so long to get to sleep. I am learning to try and meditate so I don't think of the crap. Sadly I have found that I am isolating myself from those that I really like and care about outside of my family. I know I have a habbit of doing this because I don't want to have my sadness pass on to those around me. The other thing that is sad, I have been able to look at my close friend and how we interact with eachother and realize where I stand with them.

I am slowly saving money and when I get what I need and find a good job I will move. I will be far away from here. I just hope that E's threats to the kids he doesn't follow through with. He is threatening that they will have to visit him every weekend if I leave and neither of them want that. B actually said he would run away if he is forced to. And W said he will just sit and do nothing the whole time. We shall see....it will be a bit of a while before that will happen.

The good is....the kids are so funny, talented, and just laods of fun to be mom to. I hope that we will continue to have such a good relationship.

there are those moments in life where I want to just roll my eyes at the person that wrote something or talked to and correct them. Today has been one of those days I am irritated by quiet a few people. So here goes my responses to people.

• yes horrid names even if they are nicknames should be considered child abuse for kids especially if you use ones like Urby. Poor child it going to grow up with such a complex that is why the whole entire family refuses to call him Urby. His name is Ray. Ray is a good strong name.
• not talking to your child about their bodily functions at an early age is a strange thing. Why not let them grow up thinking these things that are normal are a taboo to the point that  your child thinks their is something wrong with them for having these things go on.
• Just because you get the reason you are in trouble doesn't get you out of the trouble. If you murdered someone the judge wouldn't just say "well you understand why killing that guy is wrong I think we will let you go. Have a great day now just don't do it again." Same with discipline. Discipline is supposed to teach real life and in real life there are consequences you pay short or long term for things that you do same with punishments. The consequence of doing what you know is right is you are free to play, eat, live and enjoy life. If you do wrong you will suffer the negative of the bad choice. That is why you choose good over bad.
• I don't know how you can sit there and say I don't understand. Wake up and look at my life. I have 4 kids. They weren't just dropped down my chimney. I carried them in my body, gave birth and have been single handedly raising them since they were babies. Yes I understand but what is more....I accept the consequences good or bad for my actions of not wanting to marry the father(s). I accept what I chose to do AND I did take all the precautions I could. Sadly you think that it is OK to just fuck this guy and that and then when you come up pregnant you can just rope one of the many guys into paying when it is clearly not his child...all because he is that stupid. I am advising him to do a DNA test and then you will have to find a different chump. But this chump has 3 things. Low capasity to know what is going on (IQ83). Want acceptance from someone because of his shitty mother being so fucked up. And on top of that you promise things you refuse to give. He shouldn't be stuck with your poor choices.
• Don't yell at me for something someone else did. I told you all along not to believe them. I told you they were full of shit.
• Don't cry me a river because I know it is the river Styx and believing the lie will float me all the way to the fields of torment and torture. I refuse to float on that river in that boat with you.
• Just fuck off you dumb-ass. NO I didn't tell you that I was unattached. I have kids I have strings everywhere. AND I live in the same house with their father. No I am not Dating or taken but I also am not going to go out with you on a date. I am not on the market. I am just me......And I also Told you I wasn't interested in you at all. I was nice and not cruel when I said that but I didn't flirt. I didn't say something that could lead you to believe otherwise.

Ok I think that about covers all answers I need to do today.

what I did answer was

• Urby while you think it is cute should be your own pet name for your child but make sure everyone else calls him Ray.
• I sure hope that you not only talk to your child but you make sure that they see (insert online videos) and they talk to their Dr so they can understand that this IS truly normal for them and that their are other people just like them. I know you have lied about so many other things that they can't really see that this time you aren't lying.
• Tell your child that the punishment for xxxx is going to be _______ long so they know that it is for the misdeed and so they can really understand that it is wrong. It also is so that when they grow up they realize if the did something illegal the punishment by the police would be put in jail. This is to teach you and give you time to let it remind you that doing things that are wrong have bad consquences. If you get cut with a knife the skin doesn't seal itself up because you didn't mean to cut yourself.
• I understand that you have been taught all your live that you can do whatever because your parents feel guilty about the divorice and neither taking the responsibility of raising you. You are 22 now and need to understand if you screw a bunch of men just because you feel like it you need to be prepared to take on a baby if you are pregnant. Don't just pass it onto someone else. Also it would be in the best interest of your child to find out which guy is really the father so you can know what genetic things may be passed on for later. Things like does heart problems run in the family. Does diabeties run in the family...for the sake of this child and because you wish you had better parents be that better parent and find out now or let someone that wants to adopt kids have a chance of loving and giving this child all it needs.
• I am sorry you lost money on this scheme but sadly this happens when one doesn't check to find out if it is legitament.
• I am sorry you are crying. I hope that you can come to terms with what really happened till then here is the # of someone that is trained to deal with what you are going through as I am a person that doesn't deal well with people crying. SERIOUSLY  I don't deal well at all wtih people crying. Even my own kids I won't talk with them till they calm down. I love you all the same but this is outside of me being able to help.
• Sorry you thought my telling you I don't want to go out with you and that you will find someone was misunderstood. I will say this again. I am not intersted. I dont reward persistance when I am not in the least attracted to you. While you are a good looking man. I am not intersted. I don't want to. Go out with you later either. I don't and am not going to date you or anyone for the time.

That concludes my day and it was only 1430 when I had this all happen. It has been a busy day.

Not by myself or the kids but by E. He keeps reading what I write on his computer. As my computer died I have to use his. When I use his he askes questions about things I have written in my own private journal which is here. So I did some research and found out he installed a keystroke logger. So he knows every word that it typed. I have learned to disable it. I am hoping with knowing this I will get back to writing here again.

When I enrolled the kids into a charter school I had the ideas that it was the same as last time my kids were enrolled into a Charter. Meaning. I would be able to have more of a controll of what they studdied. I would make sure that they were studying at THEIR level.

Insted they give my kids tests to find out where they are. They are impressed with their level because they are both over 2 grade levels ahead of what other kids their ages are doing. But insted of having them continue on. They give us grade level work for each kids.

W is the age of a 2nd grader so they give him 2nd grade work. This being stupid as the lowest he tested at is Math and he is in a 3rd grade level with the comprehension of a 4th grader. Math is his highest and yet the are wanting me to use 2nd grade books. So far W has finished 2 reading books both grade 2. He is bored and it showes. In math he has finished the whole book and insted of getting the book I want them to do (which is what they were doing before) they are ordering ANOTHER 2nd grade book.

Same thing for B. He tested at a 8th grade level reading so they are putting him in a 3rd grade book He did all 3 books they gave him and rolled his eyes. Now they are ordering yet another 3rd grade book for him. He let the teacher know how stupid he thinks this is. He asked why he can't have the questions that are used for kids that are reading the books he is reading. The teacher told him.....

"WE need to teach you at your level. These that you are reading are above your level. You should be reading xxxxx yyyyyy and things like that."

B responded that he had read those book when he was in K. Then he told the teacher how he started by reading... and then he read...and then he read.... and then he read...till he go to the books he is reading now. He also INFORMED the teacher that he wasn't going to stop trying to be smart just because the teacher thinks he should be stupid. He turned and asked me if I would take him out of the school and work with him in the books he was doin BEFORE this stupid thing that the school is trying to make him do.

I asked the kids to go out so I could talk to the teacher. The teacher, while admiting that the kids have more of the fundamentals than kids thier own age, said that the law requires them to do the books of their age. I asked why once they did the work they couldnt' move on to the next level. HE said that isn't allowable or possible through the new laws.

So public education requires kids to be stupid.

SIGH....

the begining of Thanksgiving will start. And I was unmotivated till tonight.  I don't like cooking for someone that I don't much like. I don't like cooking when the kids are not feeling well and want to hang onto me and just laze about.

Then I had a conversation about how so many people have just skipped from Halloween right to Christmas decorating and shopping. There is also a few outspoken celebs that are saying it is a horrid thing to celebrate because of what white people did the the natives. And I got motivated.

I want to celebrate thanksgiving not for the food, the people or for celebrating tormenting the natives. I am celebrating because that is where it started. I was taught from a family tradition that the Natives helped so many people in the begining. They showed so many "white" people how to survive in a harsh land that they knew nothing about. We celebrated that we had freedoms and wanted others to have the same freedoms. I celebrated that we as people have so many many things because of all of the good.

And yes I know what the white men ended up doing to the Natives. I know how horrible it was and disgustion and shouldn't have ever happened. BUT IT DID. I am sorry for that but Thanksgiving is a day to celebrate the good. The things we are thankful for. AND I am thankful that so much good has come out of such situations.

So when the kids get up I will pop the turkey onto the BBQ. I will put what needs to go into the oven there and I will pull my kids about me and tell them the stories that I grew up with. I will tell them about the sad parts as well but I will tell them that we have all that we have because of the good and the bad and I for one am thankful for being here. On this earth. Living with my 4 beautiful boys and such friens as I have.

1. sing in the shower any more
2. laugh a good honest laugh. The kind you find hard to stop.
3. express my feelings
4. say what is bothering me
5. tell more than the superficial bs.
6. talk about the future
7. smile for no reason
8. wake up in a good mood
9. go to sleep easily
10. dream of good things. When I dream if it starts out good it always goes bad.
11. hope for the future for myself
12. sleep easily. I am so restless

What I do now.....

1. make myself breathe
2. think of my friends that I really care about
3. think of 5 good things in my life when I find myself down or sad
4. chuckle under my breath
5. silently scream
6. tell anyone who will listen to be careful with what you do with your life
7. think all the deep things I wish I could get out.
8. wish I could hope for more for myself
9. tear up and cry without warning. Small things trigger the sadness in me.
10. wake up in a sweat from my dreams
11. hope for my kids that they will learn how to do much better than me.

What I need to do......

1. RUN
2. Walk
3. fly away
4. smile
5. laugh
6. talk
7. scream
8. cry till I can't cry anymore
9. find a home
10. a place I really belong

Yes I am moody right now. But I am just exhausted. This will pass and I will one day make a good decision and be able to do all the good things I need to do and want to do. Smiling will become just as breathing. Breathing won't have to be though about. And I may find some peace in my life.

I am on the computer and it is the middle of the day.

Lately I have had so much going on and going through my head, when I sit down to write it comes out all jumbled up.

It comes out al mish mash and I can't even make sense of it. So here I will try.

• still looking for a job
• looking at cars so I can get to said job
• getting ready for christmas as I have no extra money to spend.
• spend time wishing that I could talk on the phone to a few of my friends especially R.
• talked to an aunt that wishes I had inherited my grandmother's house. The ones that got it gutted it and ruined it so no one wants to visit.
• found out that a cousin of mine was within a few miles of me for over 10 days and didn't contact me. Made me very sad that they didn't want to spend any time with me.
• really angry at E for beind such an arse to B.
• really angry at myself for not doing a better job with the kids so they wouldn't have to be with E and him being such an arse.
• sad for the kids because E was really nice till we moved into this house then he changed for the worse.
• trying not to wish someone could come and rescue me....I need to do it myself.
• tired all around with what is going on with my kids.
• wish I could rant and rave and scream and cry and get all this angst out so I can be lighthearted again for a while.
• wish I could talk to a friend that I laugh with so that I could feel lighthearted again. I miss that. But then untill I get all this worked through and out I don't know if I would be any good at conversing.

When a person gets married it is rather difficult to marry someone that is a momma's boy. It is even harder to marry if he is not only a momma's boy but his momma can't stand you. I know from experience that this will shorten your relationship. Let me tell you why.

Your husband will feel pulled in two.

You are a great person. Your SO is a great person. However your SO's mom has had a dislike for you since well you remember when. She hasn't liked you and for good reason. You have demanded things that have caused him to pull away from his family. This has pissed her off. You see, he is the only son that has walked a good path. While the other boys have gone off and done things that have caused her heartache and the one that passed away from drinking waaayyyy too much, he has stayed true to himself. He has had a goal and stuck to it. He has worked harder than anyone I know to get where he is and then you came along. You rocked his boat and he is putting his life into the unknown to be with you. He moved to where he has to start over again and in something he isn't happy doing. You know this. I know this. He left it all to try and make it work with you and this pissed off his mom.

She doesn't want him to have to start over. She also asked you to move to their area. But you refused. You didn't have much family around and you never spent time with the family you have. You also are just working at XXX and they would have given you a transfer. You didn't take any of it. That pissed even me off. But it is your life and his. He had the choice to not be with you. But he wanted to be with you because you are the first woman that treated him with respect as well as interst in more than being just friends. He thinks he will have the ability to get back on track with his career that he loves. But with today the way things are going there are so many things that will get in the way. You could get pregnant and that would make him stay where he is insted of taking a lesser job in the field he loves.

Sadly you are being a bitch about this and making things worse with his family. His family and friends are the most important things in his life besides you and we can all see that he is getting depressed because he used to have so much love and life around him and now he doesn't. He used to love to go to work and now he can't be bothered to shave to go to work. This is not a good thing but he doesn't want to break your heart. AND now....

You are pressuring him to get married and he doesn't want to. Not the way you want to. He wants his family around. He wants his mother to be there as well as his stepfather. His stepfather keeps telling him he is making a mistake and you keep blaming his mother. You are pushing too much. You need to back off and set him free. If you are to be together you my dear need to make some sacrifices as well as him. You need to move. He still has a few months before his job will no longer be held for him. He has a house to live in that you can be with him AND if you did this I know his mother would be willing to be respectful to you. She is a sweet person and will be your best friend if you do what needs to be done for the whole family.

Mariage isn't about just the 2 people getting married it is about all the families. Even your mother says you are not doing what is right.

I am even saying you are doing the wrong thing.

What I would like to know is....if you do get married why not do it with the family around (his family is willing to pay for the wedding since your mom can't afford it)? Why not let him go back to his job that makes more than double that he is making now and a job he loves? Why not take the transfer your job offered at the same pay you make now? Why not make amends with his family?

If not I will start telling him to walk away from you. I will support him in his decision to leave. I will do all I can to make sure that he sets his family right. AND YOU will loose your best friend...actually you will lose all your friends because we all think you are doing this wrong. Please don't call me again telling me that you don't like his family because they don't support his leaving so much good for so little in life.

And just for your information I HAVE talked to his mom...extensively...and she is heart broken YOU aren't willing to try and get along with her. She has done so much to support you and her son's relationship. SHE is the only one that is trying. So quite telling people what a bitch she is.

Your supposed best friend,

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